The Spectrum of Intimate, Meaningful, Love Relationships
by Denise Breton
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As with all our analyses, this one isn’t about people but about shifting our consciousness of love.
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We’re working to “subvert the dominant paradigm” of love, the aim being liberation, so we can experience personally and as a culture more of what love can be.
This is a “subversion” that should lead to freedom and ecstasy as well as more responsible expressions of love and affection.
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Love shut down (which is what the controlling model does) is deadening, shuts us down emotionally, causes pain down through the generations.
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Why is it worth doing?
Because love is how God speaks to us, as Rumi says—it’s our core nature, it’s a powerful force for healing and transformation, it’s our source of meaning, it’s what we need alive and vibrant in us, so we can create a more sensitive, humane, compassionate world, and it can be the greatest joy in life.
And it’s fun.
Closed, controlling, static
Open, expansive, dynamic
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Closed system, fort model, which may protect but may also lock people into damaging patterns us-against-the-world mentality, isolated unit from society, which is perceived as threatening |
Open system, based on flow and deepening of meaning; trust, mutual protection feel more at home in the world, can embrace being here |
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marriage as a prison, stuck in roles which do not allow us to change narrows who we are; we become less, which means there’s less and less room for us in the relationship; inwardly we want to keep growing, but outwardly we can’t, so it gets worse with time |
relationships as spur to personal growth and ongoing self-transformation expands who we are; we find ourselves coming into expression through the relationship; by loving the other, we come to love and accept ourselves; it gets better and better with time as the relationship both inspires and is nourished by individual growth |
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fixed, predetermined, religion-&-society dictated roles determine the structure of the relationship |
individuality and shared meaning determine the structure of the relationship |
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control, coercion, manipulation |
freedom, self-expression, authentic expression to other, real, true to who and where we are |
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love means controlling and allowing ourselves to be controlled (original family model from parent-child relationship: “If you love me, you will obey, and you will/won’t do ...”) conditional love, love as a weapon, something that must be bargained for criticisms, judgments, critical: accepted if you capitulate and become who I want you to be and do what I want you to do |
love means engaging with the being of the other, mutual care for the best well-being of self and other, delighting in individual expression unconditional love, love as a free gift, no strings, more like a flower that grows of itself nonjudging acceptance |
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own each other; entering into a relationship means giving up freedom |
respect autonomy of each other, which allows safe surrender to love |
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outside in, external demands, expectations |
guided by inner (Pawnee); honoring the inner authority of each |
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sexuality: a duty, owed, property of the other, a bargaining chip, negotiated, owned by other, controlled sex as routine, going through the motions, contrived, performance oriented reflects cultural swing between Puritanism and super-sexed, sex as a bodily exercise, not as an expression of the relationship |
sexuality: free expression of love soul to soul, individual to individual; we each own our own sexuality real passion and intimacy, spontaneous, free and open physical expression physical intimacy as celebration of being in form together, being on the earth together |
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no growth, because growth threatens the established roles and structure |
ongoing evolution; unconditional, open, non- |
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win/lose, relationships as battles, contests, requiring strategies and maneuvers, every word & action has a strategic, unspoken meaning |
win/win: mutual benefit; relationship dynamics as shared learning, processes, exchange of growth and insights; what blesses one blesses all |
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because growth usually alters established patterns, it is resisted, which makes relation- |
because relationships exist to spur growth and keep us growing, the relationship stays alive, which means it continually changes as we ourselves change |
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boundaries: all or nothing; marriage means no boundaries, complete invasion; divorce means walls, no contact, hostilities
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healthy boundaries; flexible; secure healthy autonomy on both sides but also allowing a free flow of feelings, meaning, etc.
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